Someone at the Mini Coupé John Cooper Works (JCW) launch in Munich asked me what car I would be, if I were a car. Usually my big mouth has a wise answer to everything, but this stumped me. Of course, I'd love to think I'm a dead ringer for a Ferrari 288 GTO, but the truth is I get wheezy if I climb one flight of stairs. I'd love to be a Porsche 911. Unfortunately, over the course of my life, my looks have actually changed. Maybe I'm a lumbering SUV, but surely I can't be that stupid. And because I can only think of one thing — cars — perhaps I'm something ultra-focused and specialised like an E30 M3. But that car was born for a reason — racing homologation — whereas when I was born I decided the best way to enter the world would be bottom-first. So I'm still stumped with the impossible question. But what if you asked a car who it would be if it were a person? Who would a Mini Coupé JCW be? It would have to be someone like Ken Block; young, successful, enterprising, chic. What can't that man do? What can't a Mini Coupé JCW do? At one point during my test drive on the spaghetti (or should I say ‘spaetzle') roads of Bavaria, one uncharacteristically flat and straight piece of tarmac suddenly and simply disappeared to the left over a blind crest. It called for much too abrupt steering before the suspension even had the chance to compress and bring back some traction. No sweat. Well, at least not from the car. Immediately after the left-hander, the road plummeted into an abyss and towards a hairpin you'd normally need a three-point-turn to get round. I tried to kick a hole through the firewall mashing the brakes, as the car's rear end swung out with the sudden weight transition since I hadn't even straightened the wheel yet. With a quick counter, still hard on the brakes, the confused rear fish-tailed the other way, so by the time I turned into the hairpin it all happened with an unintentional Scandinavian flick. Of course it was still much too fast and I was rapidly understeering towards the obituary pages, but it turns out lift-off oversteer isn't just loads of fun, it also saves lives: a stab of the throttle right back again and the JCW tightened up back into line, like nothing ever happened. It all lasted maybe four seconds, but I was busy watching a flashing movie of my life with a very sad ending. A few sweepers down the road and I inhaled again. Damn that felt good… But this JCW might have a screw loose. I've never driven a front-wheel drive car that's so utterly mad. And since when do front-drivers, for that matter, wag their tail every time a set of quick directional changes are needed? Some S-bends coming up? You better prepare your best Keiichi Tsuchiya impression. Specs Model Coupé John Cooper Works Engine 1.6-litre four-cyl turbo Transmission Six-speed manual. FWD Max power 211bhp @ 6,000rpm Max torque 280Nm @ 2,000rpm Top speed 240kph 0-100kph 6.4sec Price Dh160,000 approx Plus Fantastic fun, dynamics, torque, looks Minus Cheap interior plastics, price